June 2003

After my letter, I expect the TVLA to leave me alone, as it did in 2001.

Clearly a new policy is at work, because this annoying form letter arrives. It isn't even addressed to me personally, but to "The Present Occupier".

It tells me Licensing Officers will be calling in my street. As this village street exists on only one side of the road and is only 11 houses long, it is clear the visit is just for my benefit.

Letter from TVLA, 10th June 2003

I phone the TVLA in a bad mood. The call centre operative who deals with me isn't too bright. While his bosses think nothing of violating my privacy, I'm happy to publish their names here, but this young man has signed his name to no offensive letter; therefore I will rename him 'Martin'.

Martin seems to enjoy my protests. When I tell him that I see no reason why I should let a stranger in my house without legitimate reason and with no benefit to me, he tells me that house visits are necessary, because without them, "everyone" would claim to have no TV and no-one would pay their licence.

He's sounds so smug about this that I come very close to losing my temper and asking him if the police should regularly raid his Granny's house on the offchance she's running a brothel because, after all, brothel owners would also claim not to be committing any offence.

He tells me gleefully "You can't stop us visiting you" and that it would be in my interests to co-operate, because then I'll be left alone, at least for a while. I have a little wobble here, and ask what is involved in the house inspection. We end the call on the understanding that he will find out and phone back.

He contacts me to tell me the "Enforcement Department" (come again?) has told him the inspections involve a look into every room, and can last up to ten minutes. He's delighted: I'm speechless.